new year notes

Random stuff. Not at all coherent and no points made here. And no new year resolutions for me.

This time as I was leaving my mom pulled me and directed to the ‘Pooja Ghar’ and said, “Jaao, bhagwaan se kaho kuch akkal de tujhe. Be serious. Control your phone bills. And do study this last sem”. She gave me those ‘I know it all – whats going on in your life’ types look. I tell you,moms have got those eyes of  steel.

And as I meekly entered the hallowed room with my brother dispatching a ‘well timed smirk’ and my dad passing his ‘you think this will work. huh” glance, I decided that so be it. I won’t change. Not even a bit.

And that I would kill even the micro-bacterial size achievement ka keeda in me. No expectations. No vindications. No judgements. This year I will be me.

And regarding the being serious pledge. I am serious. Seriously! It does not mean that I have to make a grim face – a know it all look – and be in a career conscious gait to prove that. It does not mean that when my aunts and uncles from far far away lands bump into me and put up there ever so concerned querry “Ab Aage kya socha hai beta“, I should rattle off some IAS, MBA, MS stuff just to fit into their world view of ‘Focussed Child’ and put up a role modal in front of their toddler. ‘Lo iski tarah bano!’ NO.

And its not just with me. Its the way we are brought up in our society. Achieve this. Prove that. Be there. Be loud. And when you have done this all and you are free, prod others to follow your race. So when the HR head of mu-sigma asked me as to why I always wanted to be an engineer. I wanted to say cos this is what intelligent 90 percenters do to screw their happiness. And I am no different

Its like if you are enjoying , if you are laughing , you are not making yourself into a breadwinner. The entire Indian society is designed to make enjoyment a very ridiculed thing, just after Saurav Ganguly. And if you are in an elitest instituion like mine you need to be geared up. Abrest with knowledge. Aim high. Achieve. CGs and Position of responsibilities.

And so its about struggle, hard work, sweat, competition. Not enjoyment. And for what? For the attestation from the society that you are like them. So that they include you into them and then you espouse the same!

Work hard but grab the fact that there is a part in you who does not care about your social status! There is that kid in you who just wanted that digital watch and the sleek cell phone and you guided him to become and engineer. More so, you wanted to be the best of the best of the best! And above that every time you steered up, you wanted your peers to acknowledge those grade points on your sheet and give you that demigod status.

Last time on my trip back home I met this small rag picker in train and all he wanted was some money to buy a watch from a local ferry walaa so that he could locate the last train to reach back home to his only known survivor of village floods, his mom and give his daily earnings. That is his life.  Simple. Plain. He wanted a pink watch and he wore it around with pride.

I tell you people, outside my A/C compartment, away from those pouting belly uncles and hanging jewelery aunts, seeing this small boy in his nickers and torn sweater with that pink watch and that ecstatic voice ‘bhaiya time theek kar do iski zaraa. mera station aane walaa hai’, it was all that I ever wanted to do. Match his clock

No gyaan this time. And no strong upbeat resolution to post. And as far as to how I celebrated my new year eve, I slept till 11am of the 1st.

I am not even drunk–how is that possible?

Note: Everything shall wait now. I so love myself! Look at this epitaph (link ahead). For jakhar, with love.

or maybe at 6 in morning, I am writing and hallucinating, both.

That first semester routine; wake up – brush – bath – breakfast. In fact mornings such as these remind me of Math-101, Dosas on weekends, morning teas with Tunni and Dubey, Shady’s laoud cassette player, the start of the glorious Chandi (read Chandrol) era, Naagori’s infatuation with mangal pande and consequently with me.

I remember that day when I was forced asked to call up at home and find out if and how we know Mangal Pande. The concerned mother replied in negative and requested me not to fancy any further chances with some Bajpais or Khuranas concerning Atal Bihari or Madan Lal Khurana. How I wish I could tell her, I am being ragged. That Nagori guy was 6 feet tall!

Next task was to dance ‘Kajra re’.

The lobby mates: me, Rahul (this naarcissist made us call him shady), Chintu (the guy next door), Sanjeev and Subodh and an Msc.

If Barney were to define a cool-stud-fast graph and Rahul were to be called the ‘Rawalpindi express’, I would safely be the ‘Sampark Kranti’ but these two, Sanjeev and Subodh, will undoubtedly and affectionately be called “The Slow Brahmaputra Mail That Is Currently Broken Down At Bongaigaon Station. Passengers approach ticket counter for refund please“.

(deep breath)

I mean there were moments when even the resolute me, determined not to laugh and yet again perform that after laugh therapy (musky) could not help but wonder and stare agape, aghast, dumbfounded at the moralistic replies they used to recite verbatim to some common ragging queries and propositions like, “girlfriends? “, ” running commentary on this mute video. smirks “, ” sizes and frequencies”.

They surely made their parents proud (ahem ) but almost all of the times, I was left to do the honors .

Coming back to the Shady and co. well.. umm they were the then  ‘we don’t give a crap buddy. You fuck with us, we give bumps‘. I mean you peep into the room and you find four five of them jumping to the scores of ‘Rape me’, ‘Zombie’ and similar s. Disturbingly so, it happened when one day, that they were shouting high ‘alice! alice! who the fugg is alice‘ and this concerned lobby dude comes up and nudges “Isshhh.. ye Kya ho gaya inhe? Do you know her!“. Phew! ( oh nooo! not again please ) Good he didn’t meet me when they were worshipping nirvana.

more nostalgia. will write it soon. abhi padhai

Random musings..

UPDATE:

A friend just pointed out that the title of thsi post wasn’t apt. So I have just changed “merry” to “random”. kaunsa main title dekh ke likhta hoon! woh to kambakht wordpress waley bina title ke accept nahi karte  

~ now read… 

Solitude can be bliss. And the more time i spend here, in the hinterlands of goooohati, the more close I come to the mother nature. Though it is highly unlikely, but if you happen to be a regular reader of this blog (we both know that we can give 101 reasons, why one would not be),  you might remember that I had once copied posted  a short inspiring  poem . I am trying to live up to it these days.

I now derive pleasure in smallest of chores. So now it’s like if I am chatting with a girl and I find this distant breed of a  ‘ ‘flying-cockroach’ ‘, hovering over my mouse-pad, closely following my conversations (rather i should say imbibing them to later emulate and impress a she-flying-cockroach ) , I do not cry at this plagiarism, neither do I howl or scurry around in the lobby as if I had opened the new Linkin Park’s video and it turned out to be a yet another Rimesh Heshamia’s (or is it Himesh Reshamia) nasal exploit. I just savour the moment for a while, then pick up a jhaadoo (broomstick), and a mug, bring him down carefully while he is still conjuring up plans to meet his inamorata and then SPLASH!

He is inside the mug (aur kar cheating! ).

on a sidenote: no mumma, I do not use that mug for bathing purposes . Infact a recent, horrifying discovery that there is a gang of such he/she flying-cockroaches in my dorm’s bathroom, raring to capture me as i reveal parts of my anatomy and then harrass me, prevents even my err. occasional rendezvous with water (and I am still a long way to elevate to the stature of our Hon. Rakhi Sawant, who might just dismiss such regular breach of privacy, saying that the script bathroom demanded it )

This world is full of aspirations, expectations, competition, faliures, miseries and what not. And as much as I like to blog on serious issues like Globalization, Global Warming, Pakistan’s  ambiguous policy over Talibaan, The Shilpa-Gere brouhaha etal…. (on which incidentally, I do not ) I am deeply moved when I read/hear someone getting crushed under this heavy load of expectations and aspirations. 

I have no sympathies for people who do not work hard and then crib and carp about the education system and the burgeoning studies, but for people who really do put in their utmost efforts, almost reach the top and then fade away either because of financial troubles or the un-conducive environment, I do feel much more than just sorry. Watch this link;  a 91%er of XII boards commits suicide . And I have no words to describe what might be going on with his parents. But seriously people, would you answer me :  What the fugg were the NGOs doing? All the money that they rake in from the World Bank; I mean isn’t it their responsibility to help such cases? Heart weeps.

But fikr naat junta, with whatever little resources you have at your disposal; you can help some people . You can give this blog’s link to those who missed their JEE by a whisker, thereby actually substantiating the claim that their is nothing much sacrosanct about the so called IITs and that some crazy demented souls like us are still able to circumvent its portals and spread such vitiating literature via net!

I assure you my friends that the intellectual status of this blog will speak volume for itself

To doston hasso, gaao, din bhar naachne ke baad funtaasss ki goli khaao aur so jaao but still if you find some time out of your busy schedule, then do think about that familiy’s loss and if you can, take some time to ponder over this phrase:

Priviledge confers Opportunity;

Opportunity confers Responsibility.

Ordinary afternoon musings….

“Oh my god, this institute is infested with big time despos… Perverts huh…”. She must have cursed before leaving her seat.

 

I am in the computer center. And this girl was just sitting just next to me till my ”occasional swiveling of chair-sneaking a preview” kind of harkatein crossed all the samajik maryaadaein and she left this place showering her blessings . I can’t believe this. She caught me three times in a row. My immediate reaction after getting caught has been that of a brooding nerd, who is just on the verge of discovering the cure for limfursarcoma of the intestine…….. par teen baar range haathon pakde janaa, woh bhi in a row …. pathtically low by any standards!. Man , i need more practice. How would i manage when i am back in delhi

 

But wasn’t that normal. If you are living in a place where the female : male ratio is just above the batting average of Venkatesh Prasad and you still choose to google your technical report rather than appreciating god for this chance seat and this once in a semester opportunity, then I guess you would might as well find Mulayam Singh with his hirsute torso, errotic and Andamaan islands, a nice prospect to spend your life (of course he will be there, don’t worry ) .

 

Anyways her replacement has come. This guy, who looks like some distant kin of Ghatotkachch (hey, Bheem’s son in mahabharat, remember?), I guess is some m.tech or phd. Hats off to these people that even after braving 4 yrs of btech. they have chosen to tread this path for 5 more years (or is it 7?). Now that he has been talking on phone for the last five minutes in god-knows-what-lingo which is not soothing my ears and is disturbing my mann ki shaanti …. i would shut this post and doze off in my dorm room.

 

Bye!!

……….

“Let me tell you one thing that you already know. The world is not all sunshine and rainbows, it’s a very mean and nasty place and i don’t care how hard you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me and nobody is going to hit as hard as life.

But it’s not about how hard you get hit.

It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done. PERIOD.”

An excerpt from the conversation of Rocky and his son in the last of the Rocky series continuum, “Rocky Balboa“. I just happen to see this movie today and for some inexplicable reasons, put down this quote  on the blog  page.

There are times when you feel that some thing’s missing out somewhere. You know that life doesn’t go by your logic all the time and no matter how hard you try to put things together, you tend to loose them apart. Not always do our actions clear our path. Nebulous choices, tumultuous realizations………

But I hope one day these dots get connected. And i will make sure that on that day I stand vindicated 

Dilemma mein zindagi??

Now honestly speaking that though there are more insane, intellectually vitiating and brazenly obscene things to write about but then due to some sanity which just rubbed off me this evening i am feeling a bit sober today. So after a spate of humorous posts this one is finally on a serious note.

However, as i always say it is as hard for me to maintain a serious poise as it is for our Hon’r. Mamohan Singh to anchor MTV, so allow me to slip in my all time khattas if i feel like boring you. Btw. pardon me for this grave analogy

I have grown up with life. wow! big thing!!.
It has taken me a long way through. All this time when i see the metamorphosis of a kiddy-widdy young lad into a still kiddy-widdy (19yrs.) old doode, i cannot help but smile and blush. These vignettes of memories overwhelm me as i trail down the developments that made me what i am today.

But the once “happy-go-lucky” kid is now surrounded by some uncertainties and nebulous choices.

The million dollar question now is whether i should go for an MS or an MBA or land for a JOB??
note: provided i get my degree honorably without any twinkle twinkle little stars (fukkas)!

Of course a million+one dollar question is still if i would ever be able to identify with my contemporaries on the valentines’ day or not??
note: by contemporaries i mean my non-iitian brethren but because considering this question as inane as vouching for Siddharth Koirala’s next release, if any!!, i should boil down to my first question.

I had this opportunity to hear from a big-wig at John Hopkins Univ. today. No offense please but i couldn’t identify myself with the idea of spending my 5 glorious years in a lab, sitting and trailing down the nerve responses and then tabulating and finding a link among millions of data readings.

I would rather prefer braving Atal Bihari Vajpayee, hosting KBC-IV

I surely need something inspiring, something exciting to work on. I want to work on something which is intellectually challenging as well as creatively rewarding. Something where i can show up each day with an equal and ever-bubbling enthusiasm. Something where i can yell out, argue, flaunt, expound…..
Something which makes me repeat this cliche that ” I love what I do and i am gonna bloody die for that “.

I know my ideas range from freakingly naivest to outlandishly foolish but then this is me.
I do not know if i make any sense, if i am able to articulate myself well when asked about the philosophy of my life but then probably i am in my discovering phase.

Steve Jobs puts it beautifully:
” The Dots of the life cannot be connected forwards, they are always traced backwards”

UPDATE:

• The topic has started taking some serious proportions. Considering the age old adage that ‘your hours, minute and days define your future‘, we have started scrutinizing our daily chores save the morning one (which in any case are quite existential).

• Giving due respect to our technical abilities (i am skeptic!!), we decided to go for an MS followed by a JOB followed by an MBA followed by another JOB . But then as if all of a sudden a lightening bolt struck both of us, we burped and grumbled our worst fears out…….

” yaar itna padenge toh shaadi kab karenge???????”   

Deep in melancholy…

WARNING:
This might turn out to be a serious post. It will, i guess. So readers, go on at your own risk. I don’t usually disclose my personal thoughts but for a change i would love to post something serious. Something without much mirch-masaala, something genuine, straight from the heart.

There are times when you go into one of those rarest, deep melancholic state, something triggers your emotions and then you just love to sit by and think,think, o.k. drink and then think again. You feel like alienating yourself from the world, you don’t feel like eating, drinking, orkutting….and you kind of find content in your weird thought process.

My friend usually takes the refuge of sutta and beer for clarifying these thoughts. I will content myself with water and laddoos .

Off late i have started analyzing myself. I try to keep a check at every subtle choices i make, every subtle remark i utter about someone else. I am trying to step outside this garb of ossuummm-ness which shrouds the real me. For a change i want to be different. For a change i want to be me. I know i have tried this earlier and have failed miserably but that doesn’t means i should stop trying.
It was just yesterday that i was walking with my friend and i spewed expletives at a passer by. When asked the reason for doing such honors i was speechless. Even i wondered why the hell i sometimes always act like a stupid.
I mean if the other guy is slogging his ass off for getting good grades then who the hell is stopping you. Why should you brand him a ghissu and boast of you extra-academia affairs to fill up that chink in your armor. What right do you have to wail and crib about the skewed ratio in your campus and more so take delight in describing their geometries.

But i did that, i even wrote a post on that. Why did i do so??….i donno may be i wish to show my growing prowess at molding the language to make fun of others or may be to rake in applause for such a daring act.
I donno but i am kind of tired of masquerading now. I don’t want to do things which makes me famous among my peers but wish to feel content in doing something close to my heart.
I have no qualms in acknowledging that i love sufi songs, that i listen to bhajans in morning, that i still praise Gayatri Joshi for her impeccable simplicity in swadesh when my friends go gaga over JLo ( was heart-broken when i learnt that she got married ). I would rather dine in a kakke da dhabba then nibble in a 5star. I know i am eccentric and am sometimes ridiculed for the same but then this thought that i am bucks me up. I wish to stand out in masses and you know what in robin sharma’s words “run my own race”.

As to why i am posting this seemingly inane post…..not definitely to earn your praise but to remind myself whenever i read it again that it is very important to live your true nature, to find and go for things you long for and not to succumb to the ossummmm environment and loose yourself for pleasing others.

BTW, i also tried to write this in my diary but only to rediscover that my handwriting has gone from bad to pathetic. My sis studying in standard 5 says that i might as well give birth to a new script. She had just completed a chapter on egyptian civilization

The last “ferri-ride” of the sem.

I usually try to drift away from realities and live in a “happy-go-lucky” mood. I have also been accused by some of my friends for crossing all limits of the real world while blogging!!. One says that in the frenzy of “spicing up” the “write up”, i tend to become ultra imaginary (blame it on maths …and pal i even know imaginary integration!) .

So i sat down one day…delibrately made a poignant face in a hope of attracting some serious thoughts which have for a long eluded me and thus failed miserably in a yet another attempt to search for “my calling “.

Sounds esoteric ??…….lemme try!

Great men and nice books are two of the three most important things which have started influencing me off-late. Third being the femmes fatales of my any IIT, every sight of theirs err…..O.K i am deviating away from the topic …..hope to blog specifically on them. Inshah allah !!

Neways driving back to my esoteric stuff. May i have the priviledge to ask some questions from you….???… taking your silence for a “yes” here you are:

How many of us know what they are really doing, where we are moving in life? How many of us have clearly defined paths…….goals, aspirations?? Are we really living or merely trudging the path laid before us covered with myraids of assignments and nonsense maths ???…?? wtf .

Hell nooooo! my insane psyche isn’t allowing me to frame my emotions well . I don’t want to belittle them and i don’t know why i am not able to give them a shape today but you know what, sitting in my hostel room today i feel a little insignificant. Feel like i am not showing up with my best each day .There are things i would like to max on but there are some other compelling and not-so-very-important things which are taking toll over them. I am not able to differentiate between what i do and what i ought to do.

There are two types of freedom:

One where you are free to do what you want and second where you are free to do what you ought .

I search for answers, for the questions are many . I look out for the succor for my enervated soul. But then i just simply slide into my bed, lie back, scourged by my own conscience.

I know that some of you might find this post inane. I am often ridiculed by my friends for the same but i guess at some point of ur life, when you just stop and listen to your inner voices…..you might understand me!

Dekha! one yr at iit makes you go philosophical

And so i take up this alternate path…..blogging and with all due respect leave my sanity behind while composing them !! heheheeee.

Sorry for this serious post but i just wished to make a note of them .Hey and btw wait for my new blog on “femmes fatals @ iitg”