Of aunties and jobs.

Home comings are usually followed by hazy mornings, unkempt hairs and some bumpy, loud vsits of my er.. so many relatives and almost everytime when the elderlies are done with their cribbings of respective kaam waalies, comparision of saree prices and match-making small talks, the attention diverts to their younger cohorts. Which puts into picture,  the life and times of this young flambouyant blogger.

Apparently as a kid, he had a fetish for pressure cookers. While the respective Jain aunty ke kids whined for GI Joes, he was cool with banging cookers on home floors. What concerns him the mosts is that ‘this’ is perhaps the only thing with which he is remembered amongst his mom social circle.

Jain Aunty: dekho kitna bada ho gaya hai ye ab. Kal tak nikker mein cooker cooker chillata ghooma karta tha, hain naa? Ab enginner bann gaya. Job kahan lagi?

Me (dipped in samajic maryaada waali tone): Jee, banglore mein job hai. Mu Sigma.

J A: ohh achcha. Kaunsi company hai?

(side note: Not that she did not hear it right. If you are to be working in any company other than their husband’s or Infosys, this was inevitable.)

Me: Jee aunty, MU SIGMA. Business analytics role hai.

J A: er.. mmm <blank blank> ye kya banati hai sonu?

Me: (Don’t. ask. ever): ye kuch BANATI nahi hai aunty. We analyse the data.. mm err.. provide soluntions <blank blank>

J A: <blank blank>

J A: Tum IIT walon ko to achcha kaam milna chahiye naa waise.

Me: Give me that dagger. now.

* Jain was obviously a fictional prefix unless I was ready to be lynched next time. But her son did get a job in some regular IT firm. I hope it was Satyam.

And this post-job sem is pretty chilled out. People are so inactive and lazy that they could also be giving cold complexes to the refrigerator salesman at Iceland. I mean, the last industrious thing I did was filling the ‘about me’ entry for the batch yearbook. That too, I went numb at my 15 years hence plan.

To be honest, my only responsibilities back home have been studying, washing the car at weekends and getting mother dairy poly packs every morning. With me in hostel, the last two had gone. And now the very idea of a company trusting (and paying) me with its internet resources for some useful number analytics sends me to jitters. Leave alone managing a life in a distant city. And killing the “what in 15 year question”.

If stupidity were a sport, I would be on the cover page of every magazine. Front page. Full color. Some time back this was the e-mail I received from the academic section.

Dear Rohit,

You have applied for change of course from EC
662  to EC 654. But according to our record you were never
registered for EC 662. So, your request for course adjustment
could not be processed.

Anyways, all that is history now. I have successfully changed courses, assured mom that I won’t be surviving on maggies and mailed my confirmation to the company I would be crunching numbers for. Yes this is what the analytics lingo is. And now I would retire to sleep with my over exploited Winamp playing the Billu Barber’s Khudaya Khair

er…

Quirky Tag

Jassi bhaiya tagged me to blog on my six unspectacular quirks. And as it goes in the ‘unwritten law of blog-o-sphere’, when the big timers order, little ones  must oblige.

The Rules:

1. Link the person who tagged you.
2. Mention the rules on your blog.
3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours.
4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them. (tagged all)
5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged.

6 random quirks about me.

1. When I was 2, I was nearly eaten up by the doberman at my grandmother’s place. He growled when I cried and charged when I took his biscuit. The world would have deprived of so much of wisdom!

2. I have been known to exercise my vocal chords beyond limits. Good thing, they used to make me the class monitor. Bad thing, I get beaten up by aunties in cinema halls.

3. I have never been much good at sports or sanskrit. So when my class people used to bunk the Sanskrit classes for sports lessons, I had no choices. While others ‘played’, I was caught and put back to ‘yoga lessons’. The one small kids do on annual day wearing yellow pink dresses. I hated my coach. I hope he is in hell.

4. I have been a good actor. When I was in class 10, I was asked for a TV series. I declined for my boards. Ah! the stupidity of a tenth grader.

5. I never learned how to fly kites or play cards. All I did was hold the ‘charkhari’ and yell ‘kaato kaato’. I felt so embarrassed today. I even forgot how to hold the charkhari

6. I have this habbit of observing things. The more inclined I am to get in wordly pleasures, the more easily I can get withdrawn from them. I am still to explore this possibility of a Neo and a Matrix. Perhaps my only real quirk.

PS: and I tag Jakhar, Sadhwi, Neelu, Vikram for now. Two left. And now Ponker is tagged too. One left!

PPS: And now I tag Ishani!

running nose, 3 maggies. I wanna blog.

Hello. I am bored. First I had this cold. Then a running nose and then a sneezing thunder. To make things worse, I had 3 maggies in 4 hours. And now I fear I am loosing interest in eating the last one.

So I am searching for an open blog topic. If you have any?

new year notes

Random stuff. Not at all coherent and no points made here. And no new year resolutions for me.

This time as I was leaving my mom pulled me and directed to the ‘Pooja Ghar’ and said, “Jaao, bhagwaan se kaho kuch akkal de tujhe. Be serious. Control your phone bills. And do study this last sem”. She gave me those ‘I know it all – whats going on in your life’ types look. I tell you,moms have got those eyes of  steel.

And as I meekly entered the hallowed room with my brother dispatching a ‘well timed smirk’ and my dad passing his ‘you think this will work. huh” glance, I decided that so be it. I won’t change. Not even a bit.

And that I would kill even the micro-bacterial size achievement ka keeda in me. No expectations. No vindications. No judgements. This year I will be me.

And regarding the being serious pledge. I am serious. Seriously! It does not mean that I have to make a grim face – a know it all look – and be in a career conscious gait to prove that. It does not mean that when my aunts and uncles from far far away lands bump into me and put up there ever so concerned querry “Ab Aage kya socha hai beta“, I should rattle off some IAS, MBA, MS stuff just to fit into their world view of ‘Focussed Child’ and put up a role modal in front of their toddler. ‘Lo iski tarah bano!’ NO.

And its not just with me. Its the way we are brought up in our society. Achieve this. Prove that. Be there. Be loud. And when you have done this all and you are free, prod others to follow your race. So when the HR head of mu-sigma asked me as to why I always wanted to be an engineer. I wanted to say cos this is what intelligent 90 percenters do to screw their happiness. And I am no different

Its like if you are enjoying , if you are laughing , you are not making yourself into a breadwinner. The entire Indian society is designed to make enjoyment a very ridiculed thing, just after Saurav Ganguly. And if you are in an elitest instituion like mine you need to be geared up. Abrest with knowledge. Aim high. Achieve. CGs and Position of responsibilities.

And so its about struggle, hard work, sweat, competition. Not enjoyment. And for what? For the attestation from the society that you are like them. So that they include you into them and then you espouse the same!

Work hard but grab the fact that there is a part in you who does not care about your social status! There is that kid in you who just wanted that digital watch and the sleek cell phone and you guided him to become and engineer. More so, you wanted to be the best of the best of the best! And above that every time you steered up, you wanted your peers to acknowledge those grade points on your sheet and give you that demigod status.

Last time on my trip back home I met this small rag picker in train and all he wanted was some money to buy a watch from a local ferry walaa so that he could locate the last train to reach back home to his only known survivor of village floods, his mom and give his daily earnings. That is his life.  Simple. Plain. He wanted a pink watch and he wore it around with pride.

I tell you people, outside my A/C compartment, away from those pouting belly uncles and hanging jewelery aunts, seeing this small boy in his nickers and torn sweater with that pink watch and that ecstatic voice ‘bhaiya time theek kar do iski zaraa. mera station aane walaa hai’, it was all that I ever wanted to do. Match his clock

No gyaan this time. And no strong upbeat resolution to post. And as far as to how I celebrated my new year eve, I slept till 11am of the 1st.

The Murphy Laws

Rule of Accuracy.

When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer. Corollary: Provided, of course, that you know there is a problem.

Laws of Selective Gravitation.

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Relativistic correction of Murphy’s law.
Whether things can go wrong or not, it depends on your frame of reference.
Corollary (otherwise said: ill luck is actually absolute)

The murphy philosophy.

- Once you have grease all over your hands, your nose will begin to itch.

- The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Random laws:

- When you dial a wrong number, you’ll never get it engaged.

- When you are taking your bath and have soap all over your body, the telephone rings.

- The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

What men really want!

Sometimes, its awesome to revisit your posts. You read them back. You get that glow on you, ” o’ boy! “. You chuckle it off

And so I am re-blogging this epic forward. Unedited. Hail the mcp in me. I so love this one!

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down.  Finally, the guys’ side of the story. (I must admit, it’s pretty good.) We always hear “the rules”  from the female side.  Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
Please note:  These are all numbered “1″…  ON PURPOSE!

1.  Men ARE not mind readers.

1.  Learn to work the toilet seat.  You’re a big girl.  If it’s up, put it down.  We need it up, you need it down.  You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1.  Sunday sports.  It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides.  You can’t change it, let it be.

1.  Shopping is NOT a sport.  And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1.  Crying is blackmail.

1.  Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1.  Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1.  Come to us with a problem ONLY IF you want help solving it.  That’s what we do.  Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1.  A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.  See a doctor.

1.  Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.  In fact, all comments become Null and Void after 7 Days.

1.  If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, DON’T expect us to act like Soap Opera guys.

1.  If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1.  If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .

1.  You can either ask us to do something  OR tell us how you want it done. Not both.  If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1.  Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1.  Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1.  ALL men see in ONLY 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, NOT a color.  Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what Mauve is.

1.  If it itches, it WILL be scratched.  We do that.

1.  If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know that you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1.  If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, then Expect an answer you don’t
want to hear.

1.  When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really.

1.  Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about, unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, the shotgun formation, cars or golf.

1  You have ENOUGH clothes.

1.  You have TOO MANY shoes.

1.  I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1.  Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don’t mind that?  It’s like camping.

quote of the day.

I do my thing and you do yours. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, then it is beautiful. If not, it can’t be helped. - a btech’09 in an interview.

few (perverse) jam topics.

Love these. A senior (now in IIMC) helped me with them. They were proposed to be used for the extempore/just a minute competitions at Alcheringa but then respecting the sanity of crowds and the insanity of these liners, we had to come down to  earthly topics like blackboard, if I were the PM et al

• Marriage changes passion… suddenly you’re in bed with a relative ?
• So much is spent on breast implants and Viagra but almost none on Alzheimer’s. Soon there will be people with big tits and massive erections but won’t remember what for ?
• The problem with men is that God gave them a brain and a (insert the apt anatomy). But only enough blood to run one at a time
• Nobody dies a virgin. Life fucks all.
• Opinion is like an ass hole, everyone has one.

And this one is particularly naice :

• Avoid rape – say yes.

hehe

Data structures and placements

Who would have thought that one day a mere tree (the binary one) could get you through the portals of IT giants. That all those Rayleigh distributions, and multi process control statements would be nothing but well mmm.. nothing in front of the almighty C and C++.

Since the blogger and his friends have succumbed to the almighty authority of the single letter C, they are hereby paying their allegiance by developing the all new Data-Struct-Smilies, hence forth to be referred to as DSS in the Pint-OS compiler kernel.

What is Pint-OS?

You donno? Sorry, we don’t entertain the jobless. smirks.

Anyways, contribute to the list. Promote and Add.

~ Rohit Pande and Rohit Bahl.